Ian: Cheers for the update. If the Times trouble you again, let them know it's all done with mirrors. First Don Foster, now this? Too sad.

In lieu of an audioblog post, imagine me laughing maniacally.

Wow, word from Helen the Editor that we will just scrape the lower reaches of the Times bestseller list this weekend. Such lovely news, it almost makes up for the distinct tang of bitter grapes staining virtually all the reviews thus far.

Several months ago before turning in the final draft, I met with the agent (book agent - not the other one). 'Do writers read their reviews or not? What would you recommend?'

'Some authors say they don't, but they're lying,' Patrick said. 'Don't worry about yours. I expect they'll all be vicious.'

Bless you, Mail on Sunday, for making a liar of the dear man.

As for myself - I am away, enjoying strange weather, chamber music, and the company of a nice young gentleman. Life is so very much slower now that it borders on absolute zero.

(Side note to Ian: I'm afraid the rights are already spoken for; and hold on to your copy for when we meet at the Ritz. Congratulations on the job!)

This is how uninformed I am. The book will be in shops next weekend, not the date mentioned in the last entry.

Fear not, aspirant authors: anyone else who sells a book will probably have the full treatment - long lunches with sycophantic would-be editors, bottles of champers, and the like. I was shut in a room and told to edit, edit, edit (apart from Pete at Serpent who bought me an artichoke salad and bruschetta, but that was very early on).

Having not realised it was already time to step my panic into overdrive, I will now commence stepping panic into overdrive. Must invest in a wig.

...which brings us neatly to the Other New Year. I do hope you all made it to 2005 safe, happy and horny.

As regards the book - the UK version is out 13 January - the Italian and Dutch versions following shortly after. My agent and I haven't met for ages, due to our mutually overactive paranoia glands, so I will probably be forced to purchase a copy of my own book when it is out. C'est la guerre.

I've not even been invited to my own release party!

The US publication has been pushed back to late 2005, and my pointless tome will be hitting the shelves months after Washingtonienne's pointless tome. Can America stand two blogging sluts? Will the book be banned or burned somewhere? I certainly hope so.

The rights remain unsold in France, for reasons that probably have no translational equivalent in English.

For those who wondered, N is fine, and in a relationship (the stability and long-term prospects of which it is probably not for me to discuss). A's 1-4 are, to a person, well and happy. My mother thoroughly enjoyed that lesbian wedding and my father is still keeping company with the less mainstream members of society.

My romantic situation? Best to keep shtum. For now.

When I stopped blogging, someone wrote to say that if I was a real blogger I would be back. And here I am. But it's just a one-off, promise.